Well, here goes, it’s been a long time since I’ve free styled my thoughts like this and it could be dangerous but I’m a give it a go. So today i thought i’d write about feelings. I mean getting really honest about feelings, the heavy, tortuous ones, the painful, tight wrenching ones, i mean do most people even want to feel these feelings. Seemingly not. What is about them that makes us so afraid to feel? Why do so many people draw for alcohol, drugs, sex and pain or worse just to numb them out?
Right now, feelings = constant flutterings of passing movements around my chest and solar plexus area, sometimes my throat, what is this? Tinged with sprinklings of ease and lightness like a eggless cake my body is reminded of my state of mind in the moment by these passing utterings. I’m fine? If anyone asks, great even…that is my automatic response to any question around my state of being. Fabulous, great, couldn’t be better. And it’s funny because it’s true, in the moment I respond , I do feel great, absolutely nothing wrong with me. Thoroughly enjoying how time is unfolding watching my beautiful son turn into an amazing young man, blessed to not have had to to work for the last year due to a redundancy package and an amazing ex-employer that saw to it that I was well taken care of.
3 years ago I was signed off sick due to symptoms of MS (Multiple Sclerosis). As bad as this may sound M.S feels like a blessing right now. The amount of opportunities it has brought me has been immense. I thoroughly hated going to that job everyday and the fakeness of the corporate world was wearing me down.
Years ago, I felt that I had to behave a certain way. I felt like being myself wouldn’t be acceptable so i chose to wear the ‘facade’ for the corporate world. Then in social situations I felt the social ‘facade’ worked the best. The ‘facade’ got things done! In many situations what i thought was the ‘right ‘ way to be and act would be worked out with extraordinary accuracy and it worked pretty much like a dream but my question to myself was alway why do i feel the need to do this? And what is wrong with being myself?….after so many years of this act, who am I? Then talking to other colleagues and friends in similar vocations i realised that we were all doing it on some level. What is it about us that we are so afraid to be ourselves. Which brings me back to feelings.
Without wanting to argue which comes first the thought or the feeling. And without moving into psychological theories. Experience tells me that it is the feeling that we attach to the thought that causes these deep fears and our rationalisations to be acted upon. More and more we are distracted by things that take us away from ourselves and cause us to focus on everything but.
(I) cannot be worked on if i believe the problem is with them, you, it, her, him, that! Blame, finger pointing, looking externally. It may feel righteous to do this but in the end it has no power. In order to get to the bottom of the feelings that prevent us from moving forward we need to look at ourselves. To know why we are not progressing, why we are not where we say we want to be or do not have what we say we want. What thoughts and feellings are driving us? I is the only place to look.
What are you scared of sharing with the world? What is it about you that makes you want to shrink away and hide away? Do you think you can only love some parts of yourself and not others? Do you FEEL like you can’t do or scared to achieve certain things? Would you like to learn how to love and accept all aspects of who you are and get to a place of confidence in all areas of your life? Please get in touch. When you can love you in your totality. So can the rest of us. Feelings, thoughts and all!
Much love x